I read story after story of people growing up in strict “Christian” homes only to reject God and Christianity once they’re free to think for themselves. Even in more stable Christian families it seems the common view is that kids will inevitably go through a period of turning away from the church before they eventually, hopefully, return to God. I truly believe it doesn’t have to be this way.

I realize I’m going to be painting a very broad generalization here, but try to look beyond that to the concepts you can apply to your own situation.  When I hear of someone rejecting the Christian faith because of their upbringing I immediately wonder what kind of Christianity their parents followed. Usually the story plays out something like this – the kid was not allowed to do otherwise normal kid stuff, there was an unrealistic expectation of perfection for the child, and there were numerous, arbitrary rules to try and enforce whatever the parents’ view of “holiness” was on the kids (as example; a recent story came out about the singer Katy Perry who’s family allegedly would not allow them to eat deviled eggs or use the dirt devil brand of vacuum cleaners because of the word “devil”).  This brand of parenting introduces and reinforces a purely negative connotation to following God – specifically, that if you don’t perform up to a certain level of piety then God (and your parents) will not love you.

At the risk of stating the obvious, true Biblical parenting starts with the Bible. But it’s not just the Bible as a tool. It’s having a real grasp on the overall story of our sin, salvation and redemption. The Bible and it’s rules show our complete depravity before God – that even in our best moments we are unable to live up to God’s standard. Yet in spite of being imperfect people (and not only imperfect, but completely without good on our own) God loves us just the same. He would do anything to make sure we can be with him, and even while we were sinners, Christ died for us. This story is at the heart of effective parenting – Our kids are sinners just like us, and having rules to protect and guide them is essential. Those rules though must be made and enforced with the understanding that no amount of rule-making or rule-following can bring salvation to your kids. An expectation for them to perform up to our legalistic standards of perfection will only keep them from understanding that God loves them no matter what. As parents, we must show love to our kids at all times, particularly when they fall short.

For those in church leadership – especially those in children and youth ministries – it is essential that you teach a clear understanding of the gospel to the kids in your care. Living out and/or teaching a partial gospel, whether through misunderstanding, error or just not knowing any better, has resulted in far too many kids growing up and turning away from the church. Although we’re all responsible for our own actions, never forget that God holds teachers to a higher degree of accountability for those in their care. Keep that in mind as you prepare your lessons, activities and interactions with your kids. Make sure they know WHY we do what we do. Religion without knowledge of God’s grace is pointless.

As a final note, it’s important not to swing too far the other direction by allowing your kids to form their faith all on their own. That’s no better than throwing your child in the wilderness, allowing them to form their own idea of providing for themselves.  To provide no religious guidance or instruction is just as bad as not providing food and shelter. Lovingly teach your kids a clear understanding of the gospel, show them how it affects your life, and help them understand what it means to them. Let them ask questions – even the hard, awkward questions – and above all, be honest with them. Kids can sniff out deception a mile away.